This important herpetological updated appeared in the Miami Herald today.
Dave Barry: Fellow Floridians, beware of toilet lizards and rising iguana aggression
BY DAVE BARRY UPDATED JULY 15, 2022 2:47 PM
We need to talk about the lizards. I think they’re up to something.
Here in South Florida we’re accustomed to lizards, of course; they’re everywhere. When I moved here decades ago, the lizards were one of the things I had to adjust to, along with the hurricanes, the 250 percent humidity, and the fact that Miami drivers actually speed up for stop signs.
But the lizards didn’t bother me, because even though there were a lot of them, they were small and cute and non-threatening. They seemed to spend most of their time just standing around doing nothing, like members of a miniature highway-repair crew.
The most aggressive lizard behavior I’d see was the occasional male lizard trying to attract a sex partner by displaying the skin flap under his chin, which is called a “dewlap.” Apparently it is a strongly held belief among male lizards that the chicks really go for a guy with a big dewlap. It’s kind of like weight-lifter human males who believe human females are attracted to large biceps and consequently wear tank tops everywhere, including funerals.
But I was not threatened — nor, for the record, attracted — by the dewlap displays. I left the lizards alone, and the lizards left me alone. If I encountered lizards, say, on a sidewalk, they always respectfully skittered out of the way, in recognition of the fact that I was, compared to them, Godzilla.
But lately the lizards are different.
I don’t know what’s causing it. Maybe it’s global climate change. Maybe there was a leak from some kind of top-secret Chinese lizard laboratory. Whatever the cause, there seem to be a lot more lizards around than usual. But what’s really disturbing is that many of these appear to be a new kind of lizard: They’re bigger, and they’re uglier. They’re not the cute li’l Geico Gecko types. They’re more along the lines of junior-varsity velociraptors.
And they have an attitude. More and more, when I encounter sidewalk lizards, they do not skitter away. At best they casually saunter off in an insolent manner. I suspect they may also be vaping.
Is this iguana contemplating occupying your toilet? Dave Barry fears so based upon recent events.
Sometimes these lizards don’t move at all: They just stand there defiantly, giving me that beady lizard eyeball, clearly conveying, by their body language, the message: “Why should I fear YOU? You have a small dewlap!”
Which, much as it pains me to admit it, is true.
Perhaps you think I’m overreacting. Perhaps you’re thinking, “OK, maybe the lizards are getting bigger and more aggressive. But why should I care? I spend most of my time indoors anyway, so this issue doesn’t really affect ME.” Oh really? Let me ask you a question: While you’re indoors, do you ever have occasion to use a toilet? I ask because of an alarming report I saw July 8 on NBC6 TV news. The report begins with a camera shot looking down into a toilet bowl, which contains a large iguana. As we’re seeing this, news anchors Jawan Strader and Jackie Nespral have the following exchange:
STRADER: Imagine walking into your bathroom at home and seeing this! An iguana in the toilet!
NESPRAL: OK, I don’t want to imagine that.
This exchange introduces a report concerning retirees Janet and Bruce Bleier, who, since moving to Hollywood from Long Island, have encountered not one, but TWO commode iguanas
The first time was in October, when Bruce went to use the bathroom late one night.
“I yelled to my wife, ‘There’s an alligator in the toilet!’ ” he recalls.
Janet discovered the second iguana. She offers this advice to NBC6 viewers: “Look before you sit.”
In both cases, the Bleiers called Harold Rondan, proprietor of a company called Iguana Lifestyles, who came and took the iguana away. (Iguana removal is a major industry in South Florida.)
Perhaps at this point you’re thinking, “OK, so this one couple had two iguanas show up in their toilet. It’s probably just a fluke. It’s not like it’s an epidemic.”
Oh really? Well perhaps you would be interested to know that on July 10, just two days after the NBC6 report about the Bleiers, another local station, WSVN 7News, carried a report about another Hollywood resident, Michelle Reynolds, who came downstairs one evening and looked into her toilet. Guess what she found?
That’s right: Rudy Giuliani.
No, that would be pretty great, but that’s not what happened. She found an iguana. A LARGE iguana.
“He took up most of the toilet bowl,” she tells 7News. There’s video of the iguana being removed, again by Harold Rondan of Iguana Lifestyles, who identifies it as a Mexican spiny-tailed iguana. Even by iguana standards, this is an ugly animal, and it does not look happy. You can tell by its facial expression that its goal in life is to grow much bigger so that one day it can come back and eat Harold Rondan of Iguana Lifestyles.
A large mature male iguana basks in the sun impressing a female with his dewlap at the Miami Beach Golf Club. Dave Barry warns South Florida that the lizards have become more brazen. Jose A. Iglesias jiglesias@elnuevoherald.com
And that’s not the end of our story. On July 11, one day later, the Bleiers were once again on the local TV news. It turns out they had yet another toilet iguana. This was their THIRD.
So please don’t try to tell me this isn’t an epidemic.
I spoke by phone with Janet Bleier, who said she and her husband are trying, with the help of Hollywood authorities, to figure out how the iguanas are getting in, but so far they’ve had no luck.
I asked her if they ever encountered toilet iguanas when they lived in Long Island.
“Nope, nope, nope,” she said, adding, “nope.”
I asked her if they had considered moving back to Long Island, and she said they had not, but she added this: “We never, ever, walk into one of our bathrooms any more without checking. Even if we’re not going to use the toilet, we look.”
In case you think this epidemic is confined to Hollywood, I urge you to Google “toilet lizards.” You’ll discover that this has been going on for a while now, and not just in Florida; it’s happening in warmer climates all over the world.
So I repeat: The lizards are up to something. But what? Are they planning some kind of coordinated attack? Are we going to find ourselves in a real-life version of the classic Alfred Hitchcock thriller movie “The Birds,” in which suddenly, out of nowhere, a peaceful California village is terrorized by a huge, mysterious flock of violent toilet iguanas?
An iguana ended up in a toilet of a Coconut Grove home last year. There has been a recent spree this year of toilet lizards as well. Camila Hire
I don’t have the answers. As a journalist, all I can do is raise questions, in hopes of getting internet clicks and creating widespread panic. It’s up to the authorities to take whatever steps are necessary to end this crisis, even if that ultimately means relocating the entire population of South Florida to Long Island.
But for now we all need to do our part. This means keeping our toilet lids down, of course, but it also means standing up to the lizards and letting them know we’re not afraid of them, even though we actually are. The next time you encounter a lizard, either on the sidewalk or, God forbid, in your bathroom, look it straight in whichever eyeball is closest to you and tell it, in a firm, clear voice: “We know what you’re up to.“ If it’s a Mexican spiny-tailed iguana, you should say this in Spanish.
Also, if you have a dewlap, you should display it. They respect that.
Read more at: https://www.miamiherald.com/living/liv-columns-blogs/dave-barry/article263508388.html#storylink=cpy
Rick Wallach
Someone is goofing on the Bleiers. I’ve never met an iguana who could climb porcelain upside down.
Armando Pou
So true. They are getting in through the ventilation/access pipes that exit through the roof. A little wire mesh and zip tie will solve the entry problem. Nothing but roaches and springtails live in the sewers in south Florida, that is not the source.
Jim Adams
We could wipeout 90% of the invasive lizards in just a few weeks if PETA and the State of Florida would just get out of our way but nooo, there are some many rules in the way, about the only legal way to get rid of them is to catch’em live and turn them over to the reluctant to receive State for humane disposal!
Armando Pou
It’s a funny piece and I’ll leave it at that. The truth is that the number of iguanas has increased exponentially ever since the state and the FWC in their infinite wisdom installed and enforced an Iguana ban, effectively removing the iguana’s number one predator. You see, in Florida you are not allowed to own or possess iguanas. If you have any existing iguana pets you are to “humanely euthanize” them, if you capture an iguana, you are to “humanely euthanize” it. You cannot transport live iguanas in any way. Sounds like a good plan, right? Except that nobody took into account that the importation of iguanas from out of the country had steadily dropped over the last decade and finally disappeared. Why? Because local herpers would collect tens of thousands of iguanas (mostly hatchlings) to fill the demands of pet owners across the country. Now the state has enlisted the help of local yokels to eradicate these “invasive monsters”. These folks are not the least bit interested in conservation, they just love the opportunity to play Rambo and go around with BB guns, air rifles, darts and arrows and kill stuff – with the state’s blessings. Problem? Well Rambo loves to go after the jumbo, monster “trophy pic” males. Nobody is going to shoot the tens of thousands of scrawny small iguanas that line our man-made canal banks which crisscross south Florida. Guess what, iguanas reach maturity way before they become “trophy” size and will breed two or more times in a year.
Listen, I don’t particularly like iguanas, to me they are pests that eat my tropical fruit trees and ornamentals, just like the multitude of exotic parrots that fill our skies down here. However, there is an esthetic beauty to live in such a world. When I wake up in the morning and go out in my back yard I am transported to a tropical paradise, how many people can say that? Of course, it’s July in Florida so I high tail it inside before noon and heatstroke sets in. WE have created a niche for all the exotics that thrive down here, WE have altered the environment and then sit around and complain about lizards because nobody likes reptiles, all the rest of the invasive stuff (90% of which consists of the tropical foliage we surround ourselves with) is okay. I love to trek out into the true everglades and big cypress, rarely do you see an iguana, why?, because out there they are just a welcomed part of the food web, everything eats them, from the numerous native birds, to snakes, racoons, etc… 99.9% of the iguana problem lies in the disturbed urban and suburban habitats that we have created. So the iguana explosion we are experiencing is of our own making. Trying to irradicate the iguana population down here is an exercise in futility. They are here to stay. At least until global warming triggers the next ice age.
Jim Adams
Except, play Rambo and go around with BB guns, air rifles, darts and arrows and kill stuff is illegal. These invasive species must be killed instantly and humanely which according to Florida law means the tool used must be capable of destroying the entire brain with one sudden action. As I’ve said earlier, getting rid of them would be simple, it’s keeping the likes of PETA and their supporters satisfied that’s making it hard.
Armando Pou
I suggest you read the following two links. If you want to kill iguanas you can bash them, smash them, chop them up or harpoon them as long as you do not burn or prolong their death in an agonizing way.
Green Iguana | FWC (myfwc.com)
Statutes & Constitution :View Statutes : Online Sunshine (state.fl.us)
Jim Adams
Funny thing about anti-cruelty law 90% of it is judgement based, if anyone says it was cruel, you are guilty!
Armando Pou
That is true, if someone sees you kill one and decides that it was cruel, then you may be in trouble or at least in for a headache and harassment. We live in an antiseptic society, where chicken comes from your local grocery store, cleaned, quartered, and placed in a nicely wrapped cellophane container.
Kathleen
Why do we sell iguana meat, it must taste like chicken.
Armando Pou
It is being sold. The price for fresh cleaned iguana meat can run as high as $50 a pound.
Like the lionfish, it’s hype has never matched the reality. I have tried it, the taste is nothing spectacular. It may remotely taste like chicken I guess. If most people find the same to be true, then buy chicken, it’s much cheaper.
Gail
They need to be all destroyed, they are breeding like crazy, destroying our landscaping, carrying diseases. They’ve got to go. They are getting bigger, more ballsy and aggressive 😡😡😡😡😡
Armando Pou
You should be honest that just don’t like reptiles and are afraid of them, many people are. Your landscape is not endemic and therefore irrelevant. Unlike mammals, Iguanas (like most reptiles) do not carry diseases that are communicable to humans. They are not getting bigger, if anything they are smaller than their central and south American counterparts. Finally, iguanas are not the least bit aggressive. The only time I have ever seen a green iguana bite or whip a person (or dog or cat) is when they have been attacked. They always retreat at the approach of danger. Predictably up a tree or into a body of water.
Armando Pou
By the way I failed to mention that yard cats are the number 1 invasive destroyer of native species in Florida (not iguanas or pythons not even the tegu which is quite destructive). Yard cats and strays. If people want pet cats they should keep them inside. Try and pass a law that allows you to shoot or “humanely euthanize” cats. They will tar and feather you.
Jim Adams
Eh, True feral cat’s are a problem but much like their cousins, the pet cat, they tend to stay where the food is plentiful. The invasive species travel far, wide and are going places where you’ll never find a feral cat.
Armando Pou
You are obviously a cat owner, and I suppose there is nothing wrong with that, but if you keep your car outside and you think your tabby only eats the cat food you put out for her, you should take a close look at some studies that have found that “house cats” are responsible for millions of native animals being killed each year. And although your cat may be territorial and stay close to your home, it makes little difference since almost every block has at least one or two cat owners. Additionally, here in in south Florida we have several populations of completely wild feral cats in areas adjacent to the everglades. Although they feed on rats and other nonnative species, they also wreak havoc on native birds, snakes, lizards and frogs.
Jim Adams
Yes, “adjacent to the everglades” thanks for supporting my point.
Armando Pou
True, it is hard for exotics to fill an existing niche in truly wild places like the everglades. With the exception of pythons and tegus which slipped into an empty niche in our ecosystem, few exotics thrive in the everglades. A house cat would be killed in a few days by a bob cat or coyote (which have recently established themselves in the absence of wolves as the dominant K-9).
Antoinette Keen
An outdoor cat is prey in Florida, best to keep them inside. I don’t understand the ‘panic’ over iguanas, they don’t really bite unless you confront them, & they eat fruit salad. If I found 1 in my toilet, i’d be concerned for his/her safety, then remove & release in the yard. I’ve had to handle them in the past, no big deal
Steven A. Nole
As tropical lizards, iguanas really don’t belong in Florida’s subtropical climate.
They are maladapted to our subtropical winters, where temperatures sometimes dip below 32 degrees f; and as a result, some of them freeze to death. Florida also has hard freezes once or twice a century that even green anoles have trouble surviving.
They also suffer predation due to cold induced immobility. Anyone who has suffered sleep paralysis can easily imagine what that must be like.
I think removing them may be more humane in the long run than allowing them to remain.
Armando Pou
I also forgot to mention that in Australia in the wild “outback” feral cats have killed so many species of animals that many are in danger of extinction due to direct predation by cats. So much so that in July 2015, the Australian government announced a “war on feral cats,“ with the intention of killing over two million felines by 2020. The means to wage this war included shooting, trapping and “humane” poison. This caused an outrage with your PETA friends. Face it, if the animal is warm and furry “good” if it’s cold and scaly “bad”.
Armando Pou
https://invasives.org.au/our-work/feral-animals/cats-in-australia/
Steven A. Nole
Florida is a subtropical paradise, not a tropical one, and mother nature occasionally sends freezes our way to remind us of that; hence why Cuba became a major tourist destination, pre Castro, rather than Florida.
That’s likely why iguanas, brown anoles, etc. weren’t already here to begin with, a deep freeze probably wiped them out in time immemorial, and chances are, it’ll happen again someday.